Bad Beer Review - Corona Light

Well, here I go. In an attempt to provide some balance, as well as a suitable frame of reference, I am going to review what I consider (and what any self-respecting beer drinker worth his salt should consider) a "bad beer." Today's bad beer is Corona Light, brewed and bottled by Cerveceria Modelo. I went to the Corona website to try and learn some more about the brewery and the beer, but it was so god damned confusing and poorly designed that I gave up after about five minutes. If I was a little more cynical, I would presume they didn't want you to know what was in the beer. Wikipedia tells us that Corona (officially Corona Extra, but rarely referred to as such) is the top-selling beer in Mexico and the number one import beer in the United States, surpassing Heineken in 1997. Corona Light - Corona Extra's younger, lighter, and less witty sibling - is 3.7% abv and contains 105 calories and, like other Corona beers, is bottled in a clear bottle.

Now, organic chemistry was one of my favorite classes in undergrad, but I know that doesn't really hold true for everyone (read: anyone), so to make a long, tedious reaction pathway mercifully short, when isohumulones released by the hops in beer are exposed to ultraviolet light, some of them break apart and eventually become thiols (which thiols? I'm glad you asked, the most common is 3-methylbut-2-ene-1-thiol, which ... oh, you didn't ask? You don't care? Ah, yes, well ... moving on then), compounds which are defined by a functional group containing a sulfur atom bonded to a hydrogen atom. And that, kids, is where "skunked" beer comes from. The moral of this story is that beers bottled in clear bottles likely will suck, as even minor exposure to sunlight can result in huge increases of thiol concentrations.

Rest assured I did not pay money for this beer, but got it from the Law School, where we have cherry wood and mahogany lockers but still drink some pretty crappy beer, by and large. I managed to find a glass to pour it into, even though a dixie cup would have certainly been more appropriate. I won't be adding this bottle to my collection. On to the review proper.

Appearance: A light, pale, straw gold with hints of orange, kind of like urine. To be fair, a lot of beers look like urine, but as I'm expecting this one to taste the part, it's hard to see anything else. A huge, white, foamy three-finger head roars up, active carbonation keeps it strong. No lacing once drinking begins. Unfortunately, this is the best thing about this beer. 2.5/5.0.

Smell: A burst of sweet corn adjunct, followed by whisps of corn adjunct, and hiding in the back - wait, what's that? - yeah, more corn. Although there are faint hints of sulfur compounds, this one doesn't smell skunked. Fortunate (and unusual). Nothing going on here beyond the creamed corn and the faint sulfur/metallic smells. 1.5/5.0.

Taste: I'm just going to say it: this beer tastes really, really bad. I mean it's just terrible. And it gets even worse as it warms up. Most people think that the lime is a cute little tropical thing, and that all Latin Americans get lime wedges with their beers, but no. Noooo, no no. It's to hide the flavors of this beer under cover of tart citric acid, and everytime some American wastes $3.50 on a Corona in some cheap TexMex restaurant and it comes out with one of those stupid little lime wedges in the mouth of the bottle, there's a room full of PR people somewhere in the bowels of Mexico City who are laughing and rolling around in your money. This beer tastes like corn husks (not even the sweet, creamed corn that I smelled). There are some mild astringencies and chemical notes present too, but nothing that I would describe as "pleasant," or even "palatable." Ugh. 1.0/5.0.

Mouthfeel: Looks more promising than it ended up feeling. Thin thin thin. Even swishing it around in the mouth to release the carbonation results in almost no body at all. I guess this beer kinda blew its proverbial load up front with that huge, bulbous head. Like drinking water. 1.5/5.0.

Drinkability: Funky and one-dimensional smells/tastes make for an unpleasant drink, and general flatness makes it so that it isn't even crisp/refreshing. Maybe if you served it really, really, really cold so that you couldn't really taste it and that the temperature alone was enough to refresh you ... eh. It was a chore for me to finish, at least. 1.5/5.0.

Overall: 1.50/5.00. Well, there you have it. This beer sucks. My stomach sort of hurts at the moment, although it's possible that's largely psychosomatic. I might drink this beer if I was at a party. And it was the only beer there. And someone was holding a gun to my head. And I knew that gun was loaded, and was of a sufficient caliber to put me in a vegetative state, but not necessarily of a high enough caliber to ensure my immediate death. And even then, I'd probably just politely take it and pour it out in a potted plant when no one was looking. Avoid this beer at all costs.

UPDATE: This beer still sucks. That is all.